


by his side

by bluexshift



Series: tumblr drabbles [6]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Coda, Honest Conversations, M/M, Post-Episode: s03e10 Erchomai
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-18
Updated: 2018-05-18
Packaged: 2019-05-08 10:36:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14692443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluexshift/pseuds/bluexshift
Summary: coda to 3x10; magnus and alec have a short but honest conversation about how magnus feels





	by his side

**Author's Note:**

> written for a kiss ask game on tumblr; thank you to anon for the prompt!
> 
> you can find me on tumblr at [magnuslightwoodbane](http://magnuslightwoodbane.tumblr.com)

The aftermath of Lilith’s defeat didn’t carry nearly as much joy as the one after Valentine’s had. All of them mourned the loss of something or someone, this time, and the relative calm felt like the eye of the storm.

Alec had healed up well enough, thanks to the hastily applied iratze stabilising him until help in the form of Catarina could arrive. The arrowhead had just pierced his heart, enough to be a danger if dislodged prematurely, and Catarina was forced to widen the wound magically so that Magnus could pull it out without the barbs catching, as she healed it behind him. Magnus knew it was necessary, wanted to help as much as he physically could, but the pained screams and twisted faces Alec made were sure to feature creatively in his nightmares.

He never, ever wanted to cause Alec pain, ever again.

At the insistence of every one of his senior staff members, Alec had accompanied Magnus back to the loft, exactly as he’d left it with pentagram still on the floor, and Magnus thanked that he did have the foresight to give Alec a key, whether he officially lived there or not. He supposed he’d have to get his own cut, now. Maybe Catarina would put up some new wards for him, help him channel his vast fortune into places accessible by mundane means, help him-

“How do you feel? And don’t say fine, because you’re not, please.”

Magnus sighed, unaware of exactly when he’d found his way out to the balcony, leaning on the edge. Alec was by his side, and he wondered when that happened too, glancing back inside quickly and noticing that Alec had cleaned up the way he always did when he was anxious. Alec’s brow was furrowed, like it so often unfortunately was, but his eyes were kind, and he decided there was no point hiding this. _Don’t push me away,_ he remembered. _You never have to hide how you feel with me._

“Exhausted. Hollow. Like I have a phantom limb. And useless, very, very useless. 

“Usel-” Alec began to question, and Magnus couldn’t fight off the sudden outburst of emotion.

“I can’t help anyone anymore, can’t fix things, can’t be of any _fucking_ use to anyone, Alexander, and I-” he choked back a sob. “What good am I without everything about what I am?” His hand scrubbed at his eyes, and eyeliner came with it, no longer magically sealed, and that made the sobs wracking his body more powerful. He felt Alec step closer to him, winding an arm around his back and gently stroking his shoulder.

“What good are- Magnus, you’re incredible, because of who you _are._ We - me, Catarina, your friends and family - we love you for you. Not what you do. It’s probably small comfort, Angel knows I measure my self-worth based on usefulness to others, but…”

Magnus waved his hand, causing Alec to trail off. “Any comfort from you is worth its weight in gold a hundred times to me, Alexander. Thank you.” He sniffed.

“Can I ask you something?” Alec said tenderly, and Magnus nodded. He was using his soft voice, the one only Magnus got to hear. "Magnus... you didn't do this for Jace, did you?"

"I said I'd fix it, Alexander, if it was the death of me, and I meant it. He didn't deserve to be put through that."

"I know, I know you meant it, but you didn't even consider Asmodeus as a- a viable option, until I said that the only other way to save Jace was for me to kill him." Alec swallowed, letting the truth settle between them. Not for the first time, Magnus simultaneously cursed and praised his bluntness, his willingness to just say what he was thinking.

Magnus swallowed. "I- Killing him, it would have- killed you. Your light would have died right in front of my eyes. I couldn't risk that, couldn't risk doing that to you, not if there were anything I could do to prevent it."

"But your magic, your immortality- giving that up, I-"

"I love you so much, it scares me, did you know that? I have never, will never-" Magnus sighed, vision dropping to his feet and back up again. He couldn’t regret what he’d done - he’d helped put a stop to Lilith’s plans, he’d saved a man’s life and personhood, and spared his Alexander a lifetime of pain.

"If I have to live and grow old and die like a mundane, so be it. At least we can grow old together." He whispered the last sentence, but of course Alec caught it, sweeping Magnus up into a tight and pleasantly crushing hug. Magnus let his arms settle around Alec's waist, tucking his head into the crook of Alec's shoulder, hoping that Alec wouldn’t mind his still tear-stricken face. He'd come so close to losing him for real this time, and with it had come the new yet familiar realisation that he'd do anything to prevent that – anything at all.

"I love you too, and no matter how long or short or long our life together is, how mundane it gets, I’m gonna be by your side for all of it, I promise.” Alec huffed a laugh, and Magnus frowned, but Alec spoke before he could ask. “We're a couple of self-sacrificing idiots and we're never gonna work on that, are we?" Alec spoke into Magnus’s hair, lips brushing the top of his ear, and Magnus turned and caught them in a kiss, hoping that would be the answer Alec needed.

_Yes_ , the kiss said. _Yes, we are, and no, we never will, and yes, stay with me, please._

 


End file.
